The worst wedding veil I've ever worn.

So remember that article I wrote a few months ago about "promo-spam"? The one where I called out some web-marketer for sending me spam to promote their shitty link-bait website?

Date: Jun 6
From: Spamela
To: Maddox

Hello,

My name is Spamela and I'm from SpammyBridal.com.I've been following your blog for a while and really love what you've been doing! We're currently trying to increase our online presence and we've been reaching out to blogs and other communities that are also in the wedding space.

We're wondering if there is any chance you can help us and maybe let your readers know about us? Is there someone I can speak with to discuss possible opportunities?

Spamela
Relationship Manager
SpammyBridal.com

This email was sent to me a mere 19 days after I posted my Ranker piece, which was LITERALLY ON THE FRONT PAGE OF MY WEBSITE:

I was about to write her an email that started out with the word "Dear" followed by "Stupid Bitch," but I decided to string her along a bit first. I gave her one last chance to back off this cliff by asking her which article was her favorite. This was her moment of truth; her last opportunity to actually pull up my website, glance at ANY ARTICLE, see her mistake and apologize. Instead, her answer reaffirmed my working hypothesis that she was in fact stupid, and gave supporting evidence to my claim that she's also a bitch. Her response was:

From: Maddox
To: Spamela

Hi Spamela, I'm glad you're such a big fan of my site. I'd love to let my readers know about your wedding products! That sounds like something my readers would definitely enjoy. What's your favorite article?

Please let me know how I can help you promote your site. Thanks!

From: Spamela
To: Maddox

Greetings Maddox, Thank you so much for your kind positive words! Its really great to hear from you, how are you doing today?

I absolutely love ALL the work that you've been doing on your site! Could you help us spread the word about SpammyBridal.com to your readers by writing a little about us on your blog? We would be thrilled to send you a free veil that you can use for a product review, and/or a giveaway to your readers/brides.

Please let me know what you think, and/or suggest alternative ways that you think would help us spread the word about SpammyBridal.com! I look forward to hearing back from you!! Have a wonderful day :)

Oh really? You absolutely love ALL my work? Even the following quote from my swine flu article?

Oops. Are you sure you love my website, or were you just saying that to quickly dismiss my inquiry so you get back to sending promo-spam, you incorrigible snot? You not only don't love "ALL the work" I've been doing on my site, you probably don't love any of it. You haven't even read my site. You are a lazy fraud who will forever be indebted to any employer who hires you, since the only reason anyone could justifiably hire you is charity. You are not worth any amount of pay for the shitty "social marketing" you're doing. You want to send me a veil to review? Sure, send me a veil to review, dumbass.

	From: Maddox To: Spamela Hi Spamela, that would be great! Looking forward to checking out anything you send me. I'll have it modeled and reviewed, thanks!

	From: Spamela To: Maddox Hi Maddox, Is there one veil in particular from SpammyBridal.com that interests you for your review? Or I could send one over at random. Its completely up to you. Will your review be on thebestpageintheuniverse.net? Just let me know which veil you are interested in, and I will make the arrangements for it to be mailed to you.

	From: Maddox To: Spamela I love the two-tier, 35" satin veil, as well as the 45" lace trim. Either one would be fine, thank you. And yes, the review would be on my website, and promoted via Facebook.

Game on. You sent me a veil to review, so I'm going to review it. Except I'm not just reviewing this veil, I'm giving it the most rigorous consumer testing any veil has ever received throughout the history of testing. If I'm going to endorse a veil, I want to make sure it's worthy of the coveted Maddox endorsement. Somewhere in the world right now a desk just cracked in half from a boner popped by the editor of "Consumer Reports." Here are the categories:

The veil was rated on how well it performed in each category from 1 to 5, with 5 being the highest. The final score is a sum of each category out of 25 possible points. The results are as follows:

At first, I thought the veil held up against water fairly well. But so does every other textile in the history of textiles, so it receives no brownie points there. The veil absorbed a lot of the liquid, which was surprising and disappointing because there are a number of such liquids that a bride might be exposed to during the course of a wedding, such as big salty tears or ballbutter. If you want to stand around like a soggy dipshit for two hours or however long weddings are these days–up to 24 or more, apparently, because people can't wait to spend every free second of their weekends and holidays celebrating the orgy of excess that is your wedding–then this is the veil for you. Couple that with the fact that the odds of your marriage failing and you getting re-married in a couple of years comes down to a coin toss, it makes the whole ordeal ever-so-slightly more unbearable. So I marked down 3 points because I got pissed off after writing this paragraph, and also, unlike every other textile in the history of Earth, the veil started to RUST!

You may need a tetanus shot after wearing this veil.

Man, what a piece of shit.

This veil burned instantly. In all seriousness, this veil burnt faster than things I've actually needed to burn, like paper or lighter fluid. I'm not sure if clothing is supposed to have some degree of fire-resistance, but this veil had none. On the bright side, if you're stuck out in the woods and need kindling for a fast fire desperately, and some lazy moron sent you one for review because she was hoping you'd plug her website for free, then you're in luck.

No surprises here. The veil did fairly well against electricity. I shocked it with 10.8 million volts of electricity and very little happened, other than me discovering that my camera man was a huge pussy and then having to edit a ton of little shots together in the video above so I could get one clean take because of it. Not surprisingly, the physics of non-conducting polymers found in wedding fabric didn't change over night. If this does surprise you, you are a moron. Read a book.

The only category where the veil did really well was "piss." I actually had to pee on this veil three times because my balls are so huge, they kept blocking the shot. I finally had to stand up on a step ladder and point my junk straight down, and even then, I peed on my nuts and they scraped against the ground. In the interest of full disclosure, I hosed this off as soon as I peed on it, so I'm not sure if urine actually stains it. I did that so I wouldn't have to carry a piss rag around with me everywhere.

Wow, what a total failure. This veil was completely ruined during the explosive test. This was mostly due to the fire, sparks and smoke; you know, the components that make up an explosion. I had to blow it up several times for all the shots, but there wasn't much left after the first explosion. So if you're a bride and you want to use your face as a shield against an improvised explosive device, don't use this veil to protect you. Or do, I don't really care.

Man, what a total piece of shit! I've been reviewing wedding veils for ~~years~~ never, and this has been by far the shittiest veil I've ever reviewed. I hope SpammyBridal gets demolished, then shut down, in that order. As for the "social marketer," I sent her a copy of this article. I'll post her response here when I receive it.

Spamming a list of 442,738 blind leads for "social marketing" is a great way to piss someone off.