I just deleted my mom's number from my cell phone. That's because she called me in a panic after seeing a special on CNN about swine flu asking me what she should do. How about getting a clue, mom? Idiot.

You're all idiots. If you've spent more than a few minutes worrying about swine flu, you are an idiot. That's because it only takes a few minutes to look up the symptoms, mortality rate, and treatment to realize that it's no different from the common flu (which kills way more people and by extension is way more awesome), and going back to whatever it is you were doing, which was probably turning off CNN and canceling your cable subscription. In fact, worrying at all makes you an idiot. Why worry? Cowards worry and there is a 100% overlap between people who worry and people who regularly make cowardly decisions. That's why natural disasters kick so much ass. You never really know when they're going to hit, so you might as well let go and stop being such a scared pussy all the time. You'll cross the bridge of death when you get to it. Time to start taking risks, asshole! Quit your job. Quit answering your boss' calls during your time off. Go do something with your life. Jesus!

Which leads me to why swine flu is stupid. If I were to worry about anything—and I don't—swine flu would be pretty near the bottom of the list. Here's a list of things that are a higher priority of things to worry about:

  • Dying alone.
  • Not getting recognized for your genius.
  • Settling for a shitty job.
  • Getting married.
  • Just to be clear, not getting married isn't a problem, getting married is. Most people, due to fears of dying alone, will marry some jackass because they think nothing better will come along. They're usually right. But even if you find someone who isn't a total cock, marrying them will ruin everything because marriage is a false institution, and a waste of time and money. Cancel that big wedding party and buy a house, dipshits! Nobody wants to go to wedding parties. Besides, big gatherings lend themselves to communicable diseases. Holy shit that was a sweet transition. For those of you still not convinced that swine flu is bullshit, here's a list of symptoms for swine flu versus the regular flu:

    See no difference? That's because there is no difference. Quit closing schools down every time someone gets swine flu, morons!

    The problem isn't swine flu, but people talking about it (this article withstanding, because I'm the exception to every rule, that rule withstanding). Remember SARS? More bullshit. Fewer than 800 people died from it world wide. Yet the news networks prattled on about it for months. Now the slow news cycle lends itself to talking about swine flu ad nauseam even though there's already a vaccine for it. Oh, didn't know there was a vaccine? Yeah there has been a vaccine for it in the works almost since the beginning, rendering this non-issue even more irrelevant.

    I will never take the swine flu vaccine because I already have it; it's called my immune system, and it's badass. I have never gotten sick in my life. My immune system is so strong that I have to get AIDS just to be normal. Your best defense against getting swine flu is to be me. Your second best defense is to have me cough in your face.

    In fact, I'm going to put my money where my mouth is:

    Swine Flu Challenge:

    I'm holding a contest because I want to get swine flu just to prove how stupid it is. If I get it (unlikely), I will document my recovery on Youtube for the entire duration. Expect a short video. Here's what I'm willing to do:

    Contest Rules:

  • One lucky person will get the opportunity to fly me out to where you live* for one night**, and you get to sneeze in my face.
  • Winner must provide a proof of having swine flu (signed doctor blood test or something along those lines).
  • Winner must not have any other bullshit diseases. I don't want your herpes, even though I can't get them.
  • * First class accomodations only.
    ** Winner must pay for at least one night of hotel accomodations (5 star or higher) unless you are a hot chick and want me to crash at your place. I will sleep in your bed and you will sleep on the couch. Winner must also agree to let me try on all their clothes and eat their food.

    This contest is real. Email me if you have swine flu and are willing to fly me out to sneeze in my face. Don't email me unless you're serious and unless you have the money to fly me out first class. I'm totally serious about getting swine flu, but I have other shit to do too, so your window of opportunity is limited. You must fly me out between September 7, 2009 and September 21, 2009 because I'll be on book tour before then. If you miss your window of opportunity, too bad. Plan better next time and don't get sick unless I hold a contest. Make it happen.

    1,509,450 people want me to cough in their faces.

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