***** 100% kick ass. Offensive to women and children; gratuitous violence; people getting killed and maimed; robots; old people being tortured; etc. **** Lacking a little in violence and/or nudity. It could have been so much better without a plot. *** Had potential, but they had to ruin it with mushy love bullshit, and not enough people having their arms chopped off. ** The kind of movie that all your shit-head friends want to see, but you don't, so they drag you along anyway, but you turn out to be right and the movie sucks. * This movie is like dog shit. No, it's worse than dog shit. It's like a sculpture of a baboon's ass made out of dog shit.

Note: if you have your own rating table you would like me to use, send it to me. If I think it doesn't suck ass, I'll post it on this page.

The movie "Signs" in four easy steps.

"The Cell" is boring and stupid.

Tribute to Army of Darkness: The best movie ever.

Star Wars: Qui-Gon Jinn & Darth Maul (No spoilers)

Don't see Patch Adams.

Wrongfully Accused - This movie was depressingly bad. I've got to remember to never see another Lesly Nielson movie again. It's full of slap stick humor and shit jokes (not the good kind). If you liked this movie, take a piece of paper, in big black letters write the word "DUMBASS" on it, tape it to your back, and walk into a train. You make me sick.

*

Henry - You've probably never heard of this movie because it sucks so much ass. It's about a serial killer that kills people because his mom was a prostitute as a child.. boooring, NEXT. The only cool part in the movie was this fat guy that kicked the serial killer's ass. One of my favorite quotes of his is when he yells "What the hell's wrong with you?? 'Got shit in your ears?" Right after he beats a baby seal to death. Okay.. I made that part up. But trust me, don't see this movie.

**

Patch Adams - Horrible. It's the worst movie ever made, next to Titanic, Ever After, and Step Mom. I used to think Robin Williams was okay.. until he ate all that shit in Patch Adams.

*

Saving Private Ryan - Ignore the first and last five minutes, and it's great. Lots of violence, people being shot and maimed, explosions, chaos.

****

Holy Man - This movie sucks. It started out okay for the first 15 minutes or so, but then it went on about love and people smiling and hugging each other. It's supposed to give you a warm fuzzy joy happy singing dance feeling. Makes me want to PUKE. The movie became almost intolerable at the end: they go to some party and dance together, and then they turn into sappy wimps saying stuff like "ooh.. I love the way you dance.. lets make out.." or something. Anyway, don't see it.

***

The Avengers - The phrase "What the hell?" sums up this movie. I fell asleep half way during it, and still understood as much as my friends did. Nobody knows what the hell's going on, not even the actors. They should have just made it a movie about explosions and hippy abuse. At least then I'd laugh.

**

Pi - This movie is about some crazy math guy that tries to find patterns in the stock market. It turns out that what he finds has very deep implications in some ancient hebrew scriptures, and so he gets stalked by two groups of people interested in his findings. I thought it was a pretty good movie, but for the sake of being a jerk, I'm going to say it sucked. Screw you.

****