You are gazing into the pixels of moral decay.
So I was sitting around the other day, playing "Grand Theft Auto: San
Andreas," when suddenly I received an email with an attachment called
"hot coffee mod." So I did what I always do when I get
programs from strangers in my email: I ran it.
Then I went back to playing the game and didn't notice anything different,
except for when I took my in-game girlfriend back home, she now asks
"how about a little
coffee?" Naturally I got excited, because I was expecting to see a scene
with the protagonist, Carl, and his girlfriend, Denise, sipping a tall
cup of joe and discussing the finer points of globalization and how
cultural distinction will shape future generations. Instead, I was shocked
to learn that Denise wasn't talking about a delicious beverage made from
roasted beans, but what she was really talking about was SEXUAL INTERCOURSE.
I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I thought there was some mistake,
this couldn't be the family-friendly carjacking game I thought I knew.
Maybe Denise changed into an outfit that just happened to look like the
bust of a naked woman. I watched the scene over and over again,
carefully analyzing every pixel, but the conclusion was inescapable: Denise was
in fact nude. Or at least had a skin colored texture applied to the surface
area primitive of her character's model. To prove it, I took a screen
capture of the right nipple texture, and enlarged it to show that the game
does in fact contain nudity:
The creator of the game, Rockstar Games, has stated that it will offer a downloadable patch to fix the sex issue in the PC versions, and is working on a new version of the game that will prevent this content from being unlocked in the future.
Thank God. I'll be the first person to download and patch my PC version of "Grand Theft Auto." I want to shoot people in the face, bang prostitutes, traffic drugs, steal cars, and terrorize police officers without this filthy smut in my game. Frankly, I'm appalled that Rockstar would allow such wholesale corruption of our youth. Years from now when America has become a withered husk of the morality it once stood for, historians will look back at what triggered it all and point to one event: a boolean variable that unlocked a simulated sex scene in a video game.
The game is now being taken off the shelves all over the country and re-labeled with an "AO" rating. This is much stricter than the "M" rating the game originally received. According to the ESRB website:
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Titles rated M (Mature) have content that may be suitable for persons of age 17 and older. |
As opposed to the stricter AO rating: |
|
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Titles rated AO (Adults Only) have content that should only be played by persons 18 years and older. |
What pisses me off more than anything is that I paid for a game rated for 17 year olds, or possibly 17 and 1/2 year olds, tops. What I got was a game rated for 18 year olds instead. I must warn you that if you're easily offended, please shield your eyes from what I'm about to unveil to you:
I think it's only fitting for Rockstar Games to go out of business, and all the programmers lose their jobs over this. God bless Hillary Clinton for allocating tax money to have federal regulators investigate "the source of this content," because if she hadn't, consumers might have to go through the trouble of reading the label on the cover of the box.
4,117,103 children have been irreparably corrupted by the wanton sexuality Rockstar has forced into our homes with the aid of custom software modifications and a handful of access codes that could potentially be used with the purchase of a third party accessory.
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