The solution to sexism in video games:
A quick rant.

There seems to be a stupid debate on the Internet lately about whether or not video games are sexist (they are), how sexist (from zero to machine guns that fire tentacle-dick projectiles at aircraft carriers full of horny women), and what should be done about it. Apparently, the consensus is that complaining is the #1 cure. As opposed to, say, making popular video games that set new standards for gameplay and content.

Some feminists think that if only more video games were designed by women, that it would solve this problem. Except there already are a lot of games designed by women and nobody is playing them. With the exception of a few popular titles like N: Way of the Ninja, Uncharted and Portal, people don't even know many of these female-designed games even exist. That's because the types of games that women have designed largely have one thing in common: they're boring.

Here is a sample of some of the many (mostly indie) games developed by women:

Ristorante Amore

Don't Take It Personal, Babe, It Just Ain't Your Story

Ristorante Amore is about a clumsy girl who gets a job in an Italian restaurant. The game's site says, "Could one of them win her heart or will their secrets threaten a budding relationship...?" Fuck if I know. It's the slow, deliberate story telling of a novel, plus the whiteknuckle action of reading a novel. Pass. A game about high school students coming out of the closet. It's basically "Degrassi: the game." The creator's profile on her site states, "Cuteness and sincerity are the most important things to me. Please, let's work hard together to make the world a cuter place!" You can work as hard as you want to make the world "cute," but everybody has to produce a thick, sticky bowl of shit at least once a day. Of course, nobody's stopping you from putting Hello Kitty stickers on your turds.
Miss Management

Long Live The Queen

According to the game's Wikia, "you'll have to juggle incoming work tasks, keep everyone from getting stressed out, and help the coworkers achieve their goals." Nothing like unwinding from a long day of work by sitting down to enjoy a long day of work. It looks super boring, yet is highly rated (by mostly women). I haven't played this game because even thinking about it stresses me out. Does the fun ever start? Long Live the Queen? More like Boring Piece of Shit. Yet another visual novel, except this one has some RPG elements thrown in; you can change your mood from "lonely" and "depressed" to "pressured" and "willful." This game is really good at making my mood go from amused to angry. It's a game in the same sense that a Amazon Kindle is a game. Press button. Read passage.
King's Quest

Hey Baby

This is the first "real" game on this list. While King's Quest is yet another story adventure, it gets a pass because it's the birth of the entire genre. We wouldn't have Monkey's Island or Day of the Tentacle without it. Or maybe we would, just a bit later.

It makes my balls shrivel a little every time I hear someone say,

"we wouldn't have [jets/phones/etc] if it weren't for [Alexander Graham Bell/Wright brothers/etc]."

Do you idiots really believe that had the Wright brothers not developed the world's first practical fixed-wing plane, that nobody else would have? That all technology and human advancement would have come to a stop? If you pick up a fucking book from time to time, you'll learn that there was intense global competition around the era the Wrights were credited with their invention. Unless the invention or innovation is truly counter-intuitive, let's stop sucking the dicks (or twats as the case may be) of the people who invented them. If Alexander Graham Bell hadn't patented the telephone, someone else would have shortly after him since countless people were trying to bust that nut around the same time.

That's not to say there was a mad rush to "invent" adventure games in the mid-90s, but given the prevalence of them by women game developers today, I think it's safe to say someone would have stumbled upon the formula sooner or later.

Hey Baby is a game in which you control a woman who murders men who hit on you. Yes, this woman's answer to a minor social annoyance is premeditated murder. The game's website states:

"Ladies, are you sick and tired of catcalling, hollering, obnoxious one-liners and creepy street encounters? Tired of changing your route home to avoid uncomfortable situations?

... Remember, you're packing a 3' long .80 caliber machine gun that's locked and loaded."

Way to take the high-road, ladies. Stay tuned for my new game, "Taking Out the Trash," where you play a guy who gets nagged to take out the trash every Thursday in real-time (complete with Google popup reminders on your calendar). When you've had enough, you take out the trash for the last time by assaulting your wife / girlfriend / mother. You then spend the rest of the game in jail trying to parlay your socio-political status with the inmates in your cell block in exchange for tobacco products and soap.


Sissy's Magical Ponycorn Adventure

This is a "game" about hormone replacement therapy. It's not really a game so much as an interactive journal. It's the only game I've ever played that made me pass an HIV test before going on to the next "level." I passed with flying colors. Then I went on to control a pair of big ol' fat titties. This is where my life is at right now. I'm controlling tits through a maze. This garish piece of shit was made by a 5-year-old named "Sissy." The hardest part of this game will be for your family to clean up the mess you make after putting a hollow-point into your temple the 50th fucking time you hear Sissy scream when you bump into something. F

So there you have it: a cross section of some of the games made for women, by women. And one game by formerly a man, for formerly women/men. I can't wait to load my save point to shave some tits, manage stressed out workers and kill some men for catcalling. Great job, ladies.

454,193 million boring-ass visual novel games will be developed by women this year.

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