I like onions because I'm an adult. You may think you don't like onions, but unless you have the taste perception of a dog, you're full of shit. That's because everything worth eating has onions in it. Don't believe me? Here's a list of foods that onion-haters like, despite the fact that they contain onions:

• Pizza. Think your rancorous hatred of onions is sated by not ordering them on your pizza? What do you think gives the sauce its flavor, dipshit?

• Burgers. Patties are seasoned with onion powder. Pull your head out of your ass.

• Stuffing. Onions make those giant clots of bread worth shoving into your ugly, hateful mouth.

• Onion rings. Inexplicably, some onion haters will order onion rings, despite the fact that onion rings are made with onions. "Well I don't mind onion rings." So fried onions get to keep their seat in the front of the bus in your world? You know what, don't eat onions; we don't need your charity.

• Ramen. Wow, more onions. It's almost like onions are in everything. Hmm, where have I heard that? Oh yeah, right at the start of this fucking list.

• Fried chicken. Keep shoving that breading into your tooth-hole, lardass! The onion-powder in the batter gives your taste buds purpose.

• Gravy, BBQ, coleslaw, ranch dressing, etc, etc. Onions, onions, onions. Onions make you feel unstoppable.

Everything has onions in it. I love onions with all my heart and soul. My girlfriend was giving me a piggy-back ride to the grocery store the other day because I didn't want to scuff up my new shoes. She was huffing down the frozen pizza aisle when I overheard some hipster chick saying "Ewww, onions!" I jumped off my woman's back and slid over like a smooth criminal. Her boyfriend shrieked, "dude, what's your problem?" That's when a clerk tossed an onion at me from the produce aisle. I immediately dropped into a handstand and donkey-kicked the onion into the hipster-chick's yapper. She started chewing like a horse and crying tears of joy. She was so happy that she gave me her number, which I drop-kicked out of her hand and into her boyfriend's skull. She asked me how she could ever repay me, and I gave her a stern look. She thought that look meant "suicide." She was right.

She said "I know what I have to do." Then she waddled over to the houseware aisle, grabbed a potato peeler and started peeling off her own face. Then I watched as she slowly ate her face for the next 15 minutes, piece by piece until she bled to death. Her final words to me were "forgive me." I said "no" in sign language, and then she died.

By now the manager of the store had come by and said "Sir, you have to leave." But I didn't hear anything because I was thinking about something else. He then got a mop and tried smacking me with it. I ducked like a drunken master, then sprung back up and slammed him in the chin with my butt. He started crying hot salty tears, so I hopped back on my woman's back to ride her off into the sunset. Just then a security guard jumped out in my way. Big mistake. I shook my head and in one solid motion, reached into my pants, took out my balls, and then in super slow motion, I swung them like a sling and smashed his face. It caused severe fractures to the sinus, naso-orbital ethmoid and lacrimal bones. He required extensive surgery and was never able to fully speak again.

Onions rule.

Onion stocks are up 598,331% because of this article.
Onion image courtesy of Liz West

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