So what have I been doing with my time? Other than deleting email from all you pussies with nothing better to do than to email me about updates all the time? Jesus, you losers need to go outside.

But in the interest of cutting down on the whining, here's the short version:

About a year ago, I was wrestling a bunch of chicks and snakes in some bar when this guy named Dick Masterson walked in. When the bartender asked us what we were having, we both said "Old Fashioned" at the same time. We gave each other the nod, got back to back and proceeded to beat the shit out of every man, woman and child in the bar—in super slow motion. And yes, there were lots of kids in the bar, so don't email me like some spastic know-it-all dipshit, I don't care what you know about which laws. We were in Mexico. So your limp-dicked laws don't apply. Kids drink.

One day Dick and I were setting off fireworks on a battleship, when we got the idea to make a TV show for this company called Spike TV, because they were looking for something badass to fill that gaping hole in their late night programming womb.

Imagine a show like Montel Williams or Regis & Kelly that men would watch. Can't? That's because it doesn't exist. We wanted to make a show that banged your face with the dicks of our ideas. There are no celebrities and fashion designers to be seen on our show. Just hard working guys earning an honest living with a story to tell, like this badass guy I read about who killed a mountain lion with his chainsaw a few months back.

So we had a meeting with Spike and we made the case for why this show was not just good for their network, but good for mankind. We set out to save modern television from going down as one of the womanliest epochs in history. Our treatment literally had the line: "So you think you can dance? Fuck you." Spike loved it. So two high-fives and six months later, shit started happening:

We snuck this bitch under the radar by counting on the
fact that my fans don't read variety. We were right.

Which brings me to this badass other show I was working on right around the same time all this shit went down. A little show I like to call:

I was about to launch The Best Show in the Universe when all this Spike shit went down and threw everything off schedule. But now I have some bad news that hurts like finding out your wife has been cheating on you with your best friend, and your best friend is a shotgun: the future of the Spike show is uncertain. Like all TV shows, everything takes forever in Hollywood, so if you want it to happen, tell Spike. In the mean time, here's some good news. My show will happen. I have episodes shot and edited that are ready to go, and I will launch them this week. That's what the big countdown timer is for on my main page:

So you can either wait around until that thing counts down, or you can subscribe to my YouTube channel. And for the record, I don't give a shit whether you subscribe or not. Everyone on YouTube desperately begs you to subscribe so they can get more ad revenue (higher subscribers = more revenue), but there are no ads on my channel, so I couldn't give less of a shit.

And here's some even better news: I'm officially writing a new book. It's a book I've been wanting to write since 2002, and it's based on my favorite article of all time, and it's called:

It will be a book about grading: art, crafts, letters to Santa/the president, science projects, sports and feats of athleticism, food, music & entertainment picks by kids, campaigns for class president, X-rays, permission slips and kids themselves. I may even include guest grades & commentary by other actual teachers. Yes, I said "other" implying I am a teacher. Deal.

There is a Facebook page with all of these announcements and occasional quips of me shitting on people here: Facebook - or - I don't give a shit whether you join or not, I don't have anything to gain or sell on there, so don't act like you're doing me a big fucking favor by joining.

That's it for now. Stay tuned for the launch of the show this week, and the book site with more information and submission forms either this week or next.