The Internet is really good at making you feel like a dumbass. Just hop on a forum, play a game or ask anyone anything and people will be lining up to tell you what a moron you are, with me usually at
the front of that line.
Lately there has been a flood of stupid "life hack" videos and "how-to" articles tailored for weak-minded losers. These condescending "hacks" aim to enlighten us about a "new" way of doing a common thing, like eating an
apple or drying our hands. The problem is that these tips often don't work, don't save time and are wholely unnecessary. People are obsessed with these bullshit tips.
Here are some of the worst:
One of the most obnoxious recent life hacks is the "scientific" way of cutting a birthday cake. The method was established by a 19th century mathematician named Francis Galton. Nevermind the fact that there's nothing
"scientific" about this method, or any method of cutting a cake for that matter. You're not testing a theory, you're cutting a cake with a utensil. Galton's method involves cutting a cake's diameter so you can push the two
sides together, then using a rubber band to keep it from drying out:
Putting your hands and rubber bands on the side of the cake is a great way to introduce bacteria onto your cake. Also, this only works with a certain type of cake with fondant icing or marzipan, which sucks dick full-time.
Most cake these days come with whipped cream or buttercream frosting, which will get all over the place and make you look like an asshole when you grab it with your chubby knuckles.
This method has been covered on NPR, Slate, Life Hacker, Daily Mail, Business Insider, The Independent, Good Housekeeping and the LA Times. How big of a problem is this that so much time and energy has been spilled on this
issue? Is this a problem that really needs to be solved? You'd think people everywhere were working around the clock in labs to solve the problem of cake drying out with the amount of attention this stupid "life hack"
has received. Here's an idea: get some friends so you don't have so much leftover cake, losers. Or just use saran wrap. Or a cake cover. Or get bent, nobody cares if you have a bite of cake that isn't perfectly moist.
Francis Galton died in 1911, about 38 years before saran wrap became commercially available. Why are we looking to the "wisdom" of a man who died before the existence of an invention that rendered his stupid technique obsolete?
Some of these tips aren't just useless, they're dangerous. The tip in the video above about cooling your stupid soda in the freezer can cause it to explode. The picture to the right is of a boy in China who grabbed
a soda can from the freezer just as it was about to rupture. The added pressure of his hand caused the can to burst, sending shrapnel across his face, requiring him to get 38 stitches. Nice life hack, dipshits.
You know what? I've changed my mind. Go ahead, do all these stupid life hacks. I hope every clever cake-cutting dipshit gets botulism. Enjoy telling people that you got a scar from shitty frozen soda exploding in your face for
the rest of your lives. Facehack.