Things I'm tired of seeing in horror movies


Holy shit, when will Hollywood stop putting kids and all their bullshit in horror movies? I've never met a kid I couldn't drop-kick through glass. I'm just not afraid of anyone who hasn't hit puberty. Did I miss a meeting where society got together and decided that kids were the gold standard of horror? Kids are constantly dying without adult supervision. You can't leave a kid alone in a parked car, the wilderness or even your neighborhood without it getting kidnapped or molested. I could have made an entire video about just kids in horror movies (and may in the future).

The most fragile and pampered people on a movie set are always child actors who have to be fed, watered and constantly checked on just so they don't die. And this is who we're supposed to be afraid of? Why? Just because they dust them with white powder and give them some brooding eyeliner.

Mope harder, kindershit

Look at that cry-baby face on that cry-baby. Idiot. Speaking of stupid faces, I'm tired of "scream-faces" in every horror movie. These are the faces we've all been conditioned to expect at the end of every trailer right after the title, but just before the protagonist does something slowly like open a door or look under a bed:

Scream-faceThe Woman In Black about to bite into an invisible apple.

It's way overdone to the point where we expect it, like a laugh-track in a sitcom, and here is the number of things your horror movie should have in common with sitcoms: 0. Speaking of, I'm not the first to complain about jump-scares, but I am the best, and here's why they're annoying: it's essentially the horror-movie equivalent of peek-a-boo. Babies, who are dumb, get startled when parents cover their faces momentarily and say, "peek-a-boo!" That's because their brains are soft and jelly-like and they have weak constitutions.

A jump-scare isn't something unique to humans, it startles animals too if you sneak up on them—which I always do. Try sneaking up to a sleeping cat or dog and yelling. They jump because they get startled and aren't expecting it, but that scare is un-earned. It's not situational horror, it's just a loud noise that lasts momentarily. Nobody ever leaves a theater thinking the horror movie they just saw was awesome because of that one scene where the director had a loud crow flying across the screen when you don't expect it. Nobody is actually afraid of loud noise. I listen to loud noise intentionally all the time: it's called metal.

Also, flickering lights aren't scary. I can flicker the lights all day on my own and it never scares me. Hell, sometimes I flicker the lights just because I'm entering the room and I want everyone to stop what they're doing and pay attention. Take a look at this clip from "The Lazarus Effect," where the lights start flickering inexplicably:

Since when do people with telekinetic powers have the ability to disrupt electrical power? The woman in the movie who has these powers is a doctor, not an electrical engineer, so she knows nothing about how to regulate the current through the electrical grid to cause the lights to flicker. And even if she did, doing it telekinetically would require some degree of proficiency that she doesn't have. It's always the lights that flicker, but why stop there? Why not have the Internet go down intermittently? Hell, make it extra spooky and make all the mobile app stores temporarily unreachable. This shit's so stupid it makes me want to go back in time to ask my mom to get an abortion.

185,217 people wish I was aborted.

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