End discrimination against straight people.

Anal sex. It's the only distinction between gay and straight people, except that straight people are allowed to go nuts with it. You can't go to a porn

site for 5 minutes anymore without seeing some chick airing out her shit locker. It's so common that it's not even a niche anymore. If Netflix carried porn, anal would be as popular as workplace comedies.

All of the debate about gay rights, equality and gay marriage comes down to the question of where one prefers to put his meat biscotti. But nobody ever asks: what about straight people who have anal sex? Shouldn't they have the same rights, too? And if so, shouldn't we start asking the following question before they get married?

The test is simple: if you answer "yes," then you get denied the right to marry. For too long, straight people have had to endure the bureaucratic ritual of marriage without any reprieve. Isn't it about time

False positive.

we stopped reserving the privilege of denial to gay people?

I know what you're thinking: "but Maddox, how can we trust people?" The answer is simple: we can't. But what we can do is install cameras in people's bedrooms to make sure that no copulation of the anus occurs, man or woman, any time. Sites like Facebook and Flickr use facial recognition technology to scan images and detect faces for tagging, so there's no reason why the same technology can't be used to detect shit lockers. The only technical hurdle to overcome would be false positives from things such as balloon knots and Nancy Grace's fat fucking face.

Why should gay men who have anal sex get any special treatment over straight men who have anal sex? Society doesn't deny any rights to people who put their penises inside a woman's turd gap. The distinction applies only towards men. Here's a flow chart to help explain the rationale behind the ban:

But why stop at gays? While we're at it, straight men who are into pegging should also be banned from marrying. If you don't know what pegging is, in short, it's the sexual equivalent of getting a flu shot, if your bicep was an ass and the syringe was a dildo. People who have no fucking business in the private lives of consenting adults have a rich tradition of subjugating people who have different sexual lifestyles, and I for one would like to see their influence wax, not wane. In an ideal America based on the puritanical creed that founded this nation, we'd have an Anus Czar, whose job it was to find, expose and stop all forms of anal stimulus.

Hell, if it were up to me, I would pass a law making everyone get a colostomy operation so we wouldn't have to wipe our asses anymore as a society, in the off chance that the anus is stimulated by toilet paper. Gay, gay toilet paper.

Only after we're all shitting through tubes and carrying our crap around in sacks can we ensure that nobody's anus is touched inappropriately. It's time we stopped treating gay people like they're special, and started giving everyone fewer rights and more sexual scrutiny.