Alright, can we all just agree that people can't cast spells and astrology is bullshit? While we're at it, let's stop using the phrase "I'm not religious, I'm spiritual." Every time I hear anyone call themselves "spiritual," it's just after they mention astrology and just before I land a flying elbow to their ovaries (as anyone who believes in astrology is undoubtedly a woman who needs to be punched in the crotch). Most people who read horoscopes also buy into other new age crap like tarot cards and self-healing.

Self healing? Self healing was perfected by Rambo in Rambo: First Blood when he stitched his arm shut after he cracked a kid's back while jumping off a cliff (and the only reason his arm split open was because he's so tough he wanted to make the bad guys think they had a chance, but yeah right.. it was like Rambo sent them all Christmas cards, but instead of cards it was murder).

The other thing that pisses me off about horoscopes is that some people make financial decisions based off them. Re-read that sentence a few times until the implications set in. Yes, there are mouth-breathers out there who literally believe clumps of rocks and dirt floating around pockets of gas have anything to do with their stocks and lottery winnings.

Ever notice how people ask you what sign you are and always say "I knew it" only after you tell them which one? That's because they're full of shit. It doesn't matter what sign you tell them you are, they'll always say "yeah, you're totally a [fill in asinine symbol], I can tell." No, you can't tell because you're an idiot. I hate it when people ask me what "sign" I am. You want to know what my sign is? Here:

Astrological signs are based off arbitrary Zodiac symbols drawn by people who also believed that light from stars came from vents on burning chariot wheels. I mean, do you people even read this shit? Here's a sample horoscope I found on some sap-magnet website:

Creative energy, especially involving writing or speaking, could be overflowing within you today. Ideas could be coming thick and fast, dear Leo. You might want to call some old friends and discuss your thoughts with them.

Creative energy? What the hell is creative energy? Also, notice how the tone is set by the use of "...dear Leo," as if some ancient sage (aka, fat "Lord of the Rings" nerd) was addressing a dear old friend (that would be you, the lonely house wife), at which point you would feel vindicated in spending $19.95 on your newly acquired Brazilian power crystal, just as an executive from a psychic hotline does a line of coke off a hooker's ass with the millions he's raked in from morons like you.

I especially like the "could be overflowing" part, which covers the astrologer's ass in the unlikely event that the horoscope was horse shit and has nothing to do with anyone or anything in the universe. Of course, that would constitute fraud, so thankfully we have the doctrine of uncertainty to protect psychics everywhere from malpractice lawsuits. Otherwise an entire industry of aging hippies and their clientele comprised of middle-class 16 year old girls and bored house wives trudging aimlessly from one rebellious new-age religion to the next would have to find a new hobby. Who knows? They might even get jobs.

2,178,584 planets were aligned when this article was written, affecting precisely dick.

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