I have a confession to make: I hate reading email. Since October alone,
I've read over 42,000 emails, of which maybe a few hundred weren't
written by lobotomy patients; hell, even lobotomy patients could string
together a few words to make something that resembled a sentence. I know
there are other big websites out
there that generate a lot of email (my sympathies to the Chapman brothers),
but I'm willing to bet that few people have ever
witnessed the sheer magnitude of stupid emails I receive daily.
That reminds me, I'm going to set up a filter to delete any email containing
the word "liberal" or "conservative;" consider this a fair warning:
get a new mantra you boring, unoriginal, cry baby pussies.
Email addresses containing any combination of the phrase "Blink 182" or "Limp
Bizkit" will
also be deleted. I'm tired of getting email from you dipshits calling
me a "liberal" or a "conservative" (I get the same amount from both camps).
There are more than two ideologies
out there you morons, quit emailing me with your stupid theories.
Stop listening to bullshit political radio if you
can't form your own opinion without grouping yourself under the convenient
umbrella of a "liberal" or "conservative." Quit having your opinions fed to
you by Rush Limbaugh, you twats.
Having read so many emails, I've become good at recognizing which ones are
a complete waste of time. There's nothing more satisfying than getting a three
page email, reading a sentence or two and then deleting it. Wait, yes there
is:
replying to tell the author that I didn't read the email, then deleting it.
You think I care about your long-winded 5 page emails you send
me? Holy shit people, I mean, don't you think that maybe since I get thousands
of emails per week that I don't have time to read another boring 5-page
yawner from some asshole I'll never meet?
Here's a summary of every major type of email I receive:
The special request:
I get email from people who ask me to write about their lives:
At least once per week, without fail, I get an email that
starts out like this:
Sincerely,
The elementary school drop out:
The email in the graphic at the top of this page, is real; I suffer through
bullshit like that daily. The email was actually fan mail, but
I was thinking about starting up a new hate mail section where I post
email from people that I hate, as opposed to email from people who hate
me. Having spelling errors is one thing, but c'mon. I've typed out
more coherent sentences with my penis. Here's another quote from the
same email:
The dumbass proof-reader:
If people don't know that "inane" is in fact, a word, then what hope does
"homage" have? I've received dozens of emails from people saying I
spelled "homepage" wrong on my Contra 3 page when I said
"...I decided to write this homage to
Contra III..." Here's one such email:
Hey dumbass that Contra III section's title is missing a p "Homepage to
The self-absorbed offended asshole:
Does my site offend you?
There are sites a lot worse than mine on the internet, and if
anyone should be taking legal action, it should be me against you, because
having children when you're that stupid is child abuse.
The random tech support question:
This is exactly what it sounds like:
The critical thinker:
This person is identified by the uncanny ability to detect the obvious:
"Hey maddox, I think the car you posted on your hate mail page looks
fake. It looks like you used photoshop. Nice try." Good job putz,
you've figured it out. Then there are the people who just don't get it:
"hey maddox, did you really kick your neighbor in the throat? I don't
think you should be treating people like that. I think you should be in
jail." Yes you stupid cocks, I really kicked my neighbor in the throat
and rammed some guy off of the road, and that's why I'm still able to
post to my website instead of being locked up in jail. What are you,
completely dense?
Man I hate people.
891,129 People still don't get the message and send me stupid email.
Hey maddox, could you write a page about my english teacher Mrs. Ferguson?
She's an ass-hat and I think it would be funny. Also, when you're done
writing about her, could you say something about my friend Matt? He's
a fag, so just write "MATT IS A FAGOT" down at the bottom somewhere.
Thanks.
Yes, they literally ask me to write about their teachers. Like everyone
in the world knows Mrs. Ferguson and "Matt," and they give a shit about
how much homework your mean teacher gives you. Unbelievable.
Hey maddox, what happened to you? I used to
love your site, but then you criticized [Smashing Pumpkins, Oasis, Blink 182,
Bush, Clinton, Gore, Cheese Pizza], which is uncool. Your site has
really gone down hill over the years man. Your last post was the shittiest
yet. If you keep this up, I might not check your site twice per day for
updates because I have no life and act like I'm doing you a favor by
sucking up your bandwidth. You should write about something funny, like
religion, or Carrot Top. Nobody else makes fun of those, and it might
help you get your edge back.
I've received at least one email like this per week about every single
one of my posts since 1998. The
problem with emails like these is that the author makes an invalid
assumption: namely, that I care what some shit-eating business major
who doesn't have his own website, or any writing experience,
thinks about my website. If people liked your writing, chances
are you'd be writing for your own website instead of hoping to score your
only chance at anyone ever reading anything you write by having a
super hero like me read your email.
Disappointed.
On a side note, these are usually the same people who email me: "HEY
MADDOX, WHY DON'T YOU DO A PAGE ABOUT [JEWS, MEXICANS, AZNS]." I'm impressed
that anyone so patently stupid can read.
few things id like 2 clear up 4 u! most women;
If there were a building that stood for grammatical integrity, this email
would be the plane that crashed into it. I think I'm going to write a filter
that searches for "u," so I can delete these emails
as well. Seriously, it's only two extra letters, learn to
type or don't bother sending me email. Also, add people who use "wiv"
to the long list of people who I owe a punch in the face to.
1) have nothing 2 settle wiv men (excpt they need 2 laern were the better
sex!)
2) we dont get offended by u callin us 'chicks' its just most mens vocb
dnt stretch v far thats y we gt annoyed!
3)u meet a gal that dnt shave, stay away! i agree its rng!!
Subject: you're missing a p you fuck stick
I wish I were making this stuff up.
Contra III." ha, homage. Didn't think you'd want some collage-educated
guy bitchin at you.
I am not joking with you, Mr Maddox. If you do not remove your page from the
Oh my site is a bad influence to children? Well guess what? IF YOU WERE
DOING YOUR JOB AS A RESPONSIBLE PARENT, THEY WOULDN'T SEE MY SITE
IN THE FIRST PLACE. It's not my job to be
your childrens' guardian. People who come to this site, read all of the
content, get deeply offended, then shoot off an angry email, completely
baffle me. The solution is simple: if it offends you,
DON'T READ IT. Despite this simple solution, people still come to my site,
read it and are offended by it every day. I think I know why you dumbasses
keep coming
to my site: you love it. You love every minute of it. You can't get enough
of me. Hate mail fuels the fire, keep on sending me your stupid emails,
I'm never going away. There is a world outside of you, bitch.
web I may take legal action against you. You are a very rude, intolerant person
and your website is a bad influence to children.
"Dear Mr. Maddox,
What the hell do you think this is? You think I have time to research your
tech support question? I mean, seriously, don't you people think before
you shoot off your mail, like I'm some kind of personal assistant with nothing
better to do?
I was shopping around for a new video card because I'm
taking a C++ class and since you know how to program in C++ I figured
that you could recommend blah blah blah blah..."
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