Why do I get the feeling that there's a long penis raping my wallet every time I even so much as drive by an airport? Airlines used to charge fees for things that cost them actual money: meals and booze. Now they consider your ability to choose your seat—any seat—an added value. They're not giving you anything extra, now they're just charging you a penalty to not make your life miserable.

I wish the fees they charged actually gave you something. Like the ability to not sit next to a baby. Why hasn't anyone thought of that yet? Oh, that's right, because I'm a genius and everyone else is an idiot. Here are some fees I'd gladly pay:

So here are some additional fees I'd pay:

Seat recliner lock:

Alright you stupid assholes. Stop reclining your seat on flights. Your comfort comes at the expense of the person behind you. The only exception to this rule is when kids sit behind you because A) they're kids and they don't need as much space to be comfortable and B) who cares. I want to cock-punch the engineer who thought it'd be a good idea to make airplane seats recline. Oh man, I was going nuts with that 3 whole inches of free space between me and the seat in front of me:

Anesthetics:

I would pay top dollar to have someone knock me out on long flights. I don't care if I shit myself or piss all over the place. Hell, I was planning on doing that anyway. I don't even care about the possibility of death or other complications. Just knock me out on long flights and don't bother me with your shitty peanuts and sugar water.

Gas mask:

Everyone on a plane stinks. I don't know why, but they just do. It's like people know they're going to be in close quarters with others, so they go out of their way to stink up the place. This is especially true for people and their smelly-ass Tupperware full of chicken in curry shit-sauce. Why should I even have to tell people not to bring your odious bullshit onto planes? Eat that shit before you board the plane, or better yet, stay at home.

Cargo seats:

This wouldn't be a premium so much as a discount you'd get for flying with the luggage and cargo. Some of the best company I've ever had has been with inanimate objects. They don't smell and barely talk. Luggage is awesome company.

Plane stops:

There should be a cord running across the length of the cabin that you'd pull when you want to get off the plane, much like you do on a bus. There would be parachutes next to the exit compartment so you could jump out wherever you wanted on the flight-path. This should be a complimentary service until airlines get their shit together regarding their absurd pricing structure. It shouldn't cost less to fly a longer distance on an equally full flight. Period.

There are other fees, but thinking about how shitty airlines are makes me want to cut myself. So in closing, everyone at Delta can eat shit.

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