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There are a number of "social media experts" (i.e., unmitigated dipshits) who have a list of standard YouTube best practices they're constantly pushing, like always releasing topical content, strict release schedules and "calls to action," the latter of which is that annoying plea for you to subscribe to their channel at the end of every video. Every CTA starts out with a dopey, "hey guys" like shit just got real informal because now you're apparently casual friends. These CTAs last anywhere from 10-30 seconds, so in a 3-minute video, it can take up anywhere from 5-16% of the total video. That means, on average, 10% of most YouTube videos consist of no content, just desperate begging for clicks.

So I made the above video to satirize the problem for April Fool's day. However, as usual, a few dipshits didn't catch on:

Hate mail:

Here were some choice comments from the YouTube page:


Maddox does youtube now too? I thought this guy didn't care about anything, thats why he was cool, with his cool website and rare updates. Unsubscribed..

If you didn't know I made YouTube videos, then how could you possibly be subscribed to me, dumbass? Unless you weren't subscribed, in which case you can't unsubscribe from something you weren't subscribed to. Eat shit and die.


All these things are stupid, yet we are all here watching this equally stupid video taking advice from an equally stupid person. I'm not sure why it's such a bad thing that we are capable of being totally interconnected all the way down to what we ate on a specific day or what activities we are doing. I know this is a joke but it puts off a whiny ass tone. I think its awesome that we are able to do all of those things. [...] We have such a beautiful thing with this new technology and all we ever do is just hate it, for no reason at all..

You realize that by hating my video and me, you're doing the exact thing you're accusing me of, right you hypocritical douche? Not to mention you nullified your entire argument with your first sentence by agreeing that, "all these things are stupid." Also, it's telling that all you took from my video was that I was criticizing our ability to "interconnect."

Just because you can post pictures of your breakfast on countless redundant social networks doesn't mean you should. Nobody needs to know. Nobody cares. Get over yourself. Have some respect for other people's time. We have a very limited amount of mental real estate to use every day, and you're cluttering it up with pictures of your boring-ass apartment and food that'll be rotting in your intestinal tract by the time you document it to your unfortunate social circle.


Math sucks...

Clearly Masterchief has a chip on his shoulder about an old math article I wrote. This has nothing to do with my April Fool's video, and everything to do with your inability to post contextually significant comments.


i clicked on the g+ and i paused the video ;_;.

Idiot.


you look like you have sold your soul to make this.

What about this video signaled to you that it was serious? The fact that there's only 7-seconds of content and 3 minutes of promotion didn't fill you in? Your satire-fighting antibodies are strong. That's unfortunate.


What's the link to the prank call video not the channel.

You're slightly worse than skruffy79 above you, because you not only believe this video is real, you believe the parody videos within are real as well. You aren't even smart enough to be compost.


Your videos are low quality and biased toward opinionated statements. Leave the internet please.

You realize that calling my videos "low quality" is an opinionated statement, right dumbass?


I don't fine this funny I'm not laughing no troll but this is not funny

Your claim that you're not a troll would be stronger if your profile pic wasn't literally a troll face. But to be fair, I don't "fine" this funny either since I'm not sure how to "fine" things.


I was gonna subscribe but the prank phone call was too much. Fuck u.

That echoey sound you're hearing is your hollow moral authority. You can't claim to be offended by a fake prank video, and then sign off with "Fuck u." Anyone who goes from almost subscribing to abject hatred is too fickle for existence. And since you can't read subtext, yes, I'm suggesting you seriously reconsider your commitment to mortality.


Youtuber trashes youtube
Never saw that one before

YouTube commenter trashes video. Never saw that one before. Also, do you always make a point to not eat any meal you've had before, lest your precious sensibilities be subjected to anything remotely similar to something you've seen prior? Do you also not see movies where "protagonist defeats antagonist" because it's too similar? One of your "liked" videos on YouTube is a Battlefield "let's play" video:

Wow, never seen that either. What are you contributing to this world that's so refreshing and original? Nothing. You're a non-factoring nobody.

That's enough stupid bullshit for this year.

147,002 people are oblivious to satire.

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